Waving goodbye to the sailing ship . . .

I see so many families these days having more than the standard 2 kids. I come from a family of three, my husband a family of two boys. I always envisioned myself being the mother of three, but it didn’t quite work out like that. I had three pregnancies, the first ending in miscarriage at 9 weeks. It took us almost two years to conceive. Two months after that miscarriage, we became pregnant again, and that bean stuck. She’s now four going on five.

I can’t really recall how we arrived on two as our magic number. We somehow determined when I became pregnant with our second child that this was it for us. Whether we had a boy or girl, we were done. Finances did play a role, but a minimal one. I think the biggest factor was fear of being overrun or outnumbered, as silly as it sounds. My husband likes to put it in football terms: man to man coverage is always more effective than zone defense. I suppose one can rationalize it any way they see fit.

I am very content with the two beautiful, healthy, brilliant and funny children we have. I had a tubal ligation during our son’s c-section delivery, so the decision was finalized at that point. Still, I found myself asking my husband if he had any regrets about not going for a third. Without blinking an eyelash, he said “NO” and then went on to list his various reasons why—like being able to get a full night’s sleep at least five to six nights out of the week.

It occurred to me today while watching an episode of “Bringing Home Baby” that the whole pregnancy and childbirth journey is now behind me. That ship has sailed. All those days and weeks and hours spent reading every pregnancy and baby book, website; agonizing over which carseat, which stroller, which diaper pail--every little decision seemed to be SO important and SO critical. I spent countless hours poring over product reviews on Amazon.com. Spent HOURS researching breastfeeding and postpartum depression. It’s all done. All of it. Done. Realizing this was unsettling, as if I were supposed to turn in my uterus and ovaries, being that they were no longer needed. It made me really sad, and I started to get all weepy.

Just at that moment, in walks in Katie, followed shortly by her shadow, Mr. Jonathan. I looked at my two silly little munchkins and had an epiphany: for every moment of their babyhood that I mourn for, there are so many wonderful moments laying ahead in their childhood and adolescence waiting to be had. Ok, maybe not so much the adolescence—I know that’s a stretch (trying to be warm and fuzzy here, ok?)

I thank God every single day for all my blessings, especially the two little miracles that are my children. Each of them has their own special place in my heart. Collectively, they own me -- heart and soul.

When Katie was born, I realized that it was time to take all the baggage of my past out, work through it all, deal with it, and move on. I knew I had to be better because she deserved the best mother I could be, and I didn’t feel I could fulfill that role adequately unless I finally faced those demons, was brutally honest with myself and everyone, and finally dealt with the remaining personal symptoms of my mother’s murder (the symptoms I speak of were the 100 pounds I gained and the serious health issues developed as a result).

Jonathan is special because I believe in my heart that he is God’s way of telling me that He is in control, that He has a plan for me and that I need not fret over the unknown because everything is as it should be. I learned a valuable lesson about cherishing life as it is RIGHT NOW instead of trying to make it be something you think it should be. It’s so beautiful, because he is such an in-the-moment kiddo, so funny and carefree. He loves to make people laugh. His personality, I believe, is a reflection of that life lesson he was sent here to earth to teach me.

Not my best moment . . .

I let Jonathan eat almost a quarter of a bag of miniature marshmallows while I bagged up my groceries today at the supermarket. Definitely not one of my best mommy moments . . .

1 down, 1 to go

1 kid at school right now, 1 still iffy . . .

Katie was a very happy little girl this morning to finally be going back to school. I can't wait to hear how her day went.

Jonathan, my sweet boy, has this awful cough. I kid you not, he coughed nearly nonstop for an hour last night--and this was after we gave him Triaminic Night Time Cough formula. This stuff just doesn't seem to work for either of them, so I'm done with Triaminic. Shawn ran out at midnight and got Dimetapp cough medicine that within 20 minutes of his dose, he was no longer coughing and able to breathe through his nose. He finally was able to sleep peacefully.

This morning he seems to be doing ok. The cough comes and goes, but he's his usual poophead self, so I'm taking that as a sign he's getting better.

Quarantine and Caffeine

My poor Katie bug. :0(

This is Day 5 of this godforsaken virus. I feel so bad for her, and so damned helpless that I can't banish this illness to the depths of hell with my super mommy powers. Pisses me off.

I got home from school and she was sleeping. Yup, and it wasn't even dark out. You know she's sick when she takes a nap. She woke up with a fever -- 101.4. And her eyes--they're so bloodshot and swollen it looks like she's coming down off a four-day meth binge. Poor thing. Just breaks my heart.

The worst of it, besides it being DAY 5 of this sickness, is that she is just dying to go back to school. I honestly don't think she's going to be able to go back in on Monday, not without a miracle between now and then.

Last night was quite possibly one of the worst we've had in a long time. We didn't get to bed until very late as it were, then both kiddos woke up miserable at 1:30 a.m. Jonathan was burning up. I know this may seem paranoid, but I can't let my kids sleep alone when they have a fever. I always hear stories of kids having febrile seizures or respiratory issues due to fever so I'd rather be beside them if that were to occur. Our comfort (and theirs) is a small sacrifice. So we got Jonathan into our bed and got him a drink. Then Katie woke up and wanted to sleep with us, too. So here we were, the four of us, in our little queen sized bed. We had a nice little system going on there for a little while: Shawn and I laid with our heads to the foot of the bed while the kids slept in the middle with their heads at the top. The details after that are fuzzy, but I know there was a lot of whining and moaning and groaning and bitching and complaining, and that went on until about 2:30 a.m. So not fun.

The brightside of this is Jonathan's fever hasn't returned since the wee hours. For that, I am immeasurably thankful.

Sick Babies...

My poor kiddos are both sick. :(

The Girl has some crazy virus. We are on day 4 of the fever, and we've already been swabbed for strep and had a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. Her other symptoms were diarrhea and a slight cough, but otherwise she was fine. She's been eating ok and taking fluids. This morning she's got gunk coming out of her eyes and they're all pink. I think she may have pink eye.

The Boy's fever started last night. He doesn't have any other symptoms other than that.

So we're off to the pediatrician at 1:30 to get them checked out.

I'm so worn out and worried about them. It's heartwrenching when one baby is sick, but to have both under the weather is even more nerve-wracking.

Their dispositions are pretty cranky, too, so that doesn't make for a pleasant afternoon. Earlier you couldn't tell if they were ill or not because they were running around here like a couple of crack monkeys.