My Mamas . . .

One of my assignments this week for my Group Counseling class was to join an online google or yahoo group. No specific guideline as to interests was demanded, so I found an online post-op gastric bypass support group at Yahoo.

I wish, however, that I could utilize my group of mamas on my message board, but we're not supposed to use a group to which we are already a part. The truth is, however, is that they have been such a HUGE part of my life for the past five years. There are times when I sit and thing "my goodness, what would I do without them?" Life certainly would be so boring and lonely without them.

I cannot even begin to list all the ways in which that place enriches my life. I feel love, I feel respect, I feel acceptance, I feel understood, all within the context of the greatest journey of our lives: motherhood. We are a relatively diverse group, coming from all over the country and from all ends of the socioeconomic spectrum. While we are not largely diverse in race, we are diverse in opinions and values, which can make for some interesting discussions at times. However, what we are, at our core, is a group of women devoted to being there for one another. There are many times when tounges can only be bitten for so long, and you have to say your piece, but at the end of the day we know we have each other's back no matter what.

This weekend, one of our own is hurting. One very close to me, my sweet friend Kelly. Her father was just recently diagnosed with liver and pancreatic cancer--and by recent I mean like earlier this week. The whole process of getting diagnosed took longer than it should have, and now treatment is no longer an option. He will likely be gone in a few days. He is only 59 years old and the father of two beautiful daughters and four grandchildren. He underwent gastric bypass surgery a little over a year ago. It makes me angry to see all he went through to regain his health and prolong his life and now to end up like this. It's just awful.

It pains me greatly because I know that pain. I know that pain TOO well. And even after many years of managing that pain, it still hurts, and it tears me up to know that someone I love and care about and respect is going to head down that road. And I, along with about 75 wonderful women, will be there to hold her up when it gets too hard to carry on.

Kelly, I don't know if you will read this, but having lost a parent myself I know how much it hurts. It doesn't seem we are ever old enough to let go of our parents. I know myself all the emotions I went through: denial, anger, sorrow and sadness. It is so much to deal with, and there will be times when you think my goodness, I don't think I can do it. That's when you will need to do this: look at Vernon, look at Luke, look at Rachel. These three people are why you have to carry on. They will be your source of strength, your rock as you move through this process of saying goodbye, letting go, mourning and moving on.

I remember one particular night, not long after my mom died, a night when the pain was just so great. I knew I had to go on, but I didn't know how. I was a total mess. That night my mom came to me in a dream. I still remember how beautiful she looked, and she was dressed all in white and, I kid you not, had this strange glow around her. Was it real??? Who knows--but the message she said to me was "I'm fine. I'm happy. YOU have to go on, Carley. You will be ok." I will never forget this as long as I live.

For a long, long time, I really didn't know how to go on. I had no idea what to do, where to go for help. Shawn was so bewildered and so scared for me. But, one day, I found my way, and you will, too.